Ninja Tree OF DEATH
by xNOVAx
Summary: Crack fic about Naruto and Kanda sort of fighting a shinobi squirrel.


**WARNING!**

**THIS FIC CONTAINS COPIUS AMOUNTS OF CRACK, SWEARING, VIOLENCE, YUU KANDA, AND DISTURBING MENTAL IMAGES! **

**THERE IS ALSO TEASING OF TWILIGHT AND YAOI!**

**DON'T LIKE, DON'T READ IT.**

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Once upon a time there was a place where ninja's roamed and coexisted with exorcists.

One day a miffed exorcist named Kanda was tromping through a super happy forest of ninja trees and shinobi squirrels. In his usual manner, he was slicing trees for no sensible reason. One of these many ninja trees was having a conversation with his close friend, a shinobi squirrel. Our pissy little muffin-cake sliced up the tree, not noticing IT WAS A NINJA TREE! Shinobi squirrel swore on some other shinobi squirrels fluffy tail he would avenge his dear friend.

LATER!

"BELIEVE IT!" Naruto shouted as he finished off his 'I Can't Believe It's Not Butter' commercial. After he was done changing, he sloppily slapped his hands together and shouted a phrase the sounded a lot like 'unicorn bile' and disappeared, leaving only an asian looking cloud behind.

Being the failure of a ninja he was, he landed on an innocent passer by. As he stood up to dust himself off of dust and blood, he felt a menacing aura, much like the one an obnoxious pink haired girl had. He spun around to brace himself against the flimsy punch he was expecting. Instead, he received an impolite scratch to the eye and baseball bat to the arm. The snapping of every bone in his right arm would have been excruciatingly painful if he hadn't been looking at the beauty who'd dealt it.

From what Naruto could see with his left eye, the exorcist, who could be either male or female, was an extra ordinary beauty. Everything was extra about him/her. There was extra length to the hair and legs. Extra blue to his/her blue eyes. The only thing that didn't seem extra ordinary was his/her breasts. He figured this must be a man (only Naruto could possess such advanced deduction skills).

As the beauty began unsheathing a super sexy looking sword, Naruto guessed its name was Shirley, and shouted Mugen. _Damn, I was so close._

"M*ther f*cker, you're gonna die," the gorgeous pony-tailed youth cursed. Quickly, Naruto's pea sized brain devised a plan… still devising… give it a second… two… ten… almost got it…

Kanda had hesitantly advanced, for the yellow haired vagrant was making an extremely strange face which resembled a suffocating sloth trying to take a dump. _What the fuck…_ thought Kanda, and continued to attack Naruto. Unfortunately for Kanda, Naruto had been practicing a move which involved him catching a blade mid-slice. Unfortunately for Naruto, he'd forgotten that his right arm had been smashed, so he ended up slapping the sword away with his left arm and slapping Kanda in the face with his puss and blood covered right arm.

Before Kanda could scoop out Naruto's other eye with a rusty spork, Naruto managed to throw himself to the ground and shout "I'll do anything you want, just don't kill my dead mother!!!"

Kanda contemplated this idea. He had left his duct-tape wallet at the Order, when he stomped out in a huff. He had found out that the super cute little bean sprout liked Lavi better for some stupid reason like being nice to him. Didn't he know mean was the new nice? Then Kanda's Japanese stomach kicked in and sent him a not so super secret message saying it wanted soba. "GOD DAMMIT NOT NOW! Oh, wait never mind," Kanda hollered as he punched himself in the gut.

"Soba, I want soba," Kanda said coolly. So coolly, the frightened and bewildered Naruto finally stopped crying for mercy. The black-haired beauty walked of in the direction that his Japanese nose told him good soba was. Sadly, his Japanese foot betrayed him and he fell onto a very unclean path. Coolly. Naruto skipped after him and did the same, minus the cool.

All this time, Naruto and Kanda had been unaware of the shinobi squirrel stalking them. For he was a shinobi squirrel. They can do that. And spit acid.

LATER!

"Damn," Naruto cursed "why did I think soba would help my puss, infected eye!?" Naruto gave up scooping the slippery noodles into his eye socket and ended up shoving his face into it. Kanda grimaced. _What a waste of soba… can't spoil it._

Kanda shoved Naruto's fat face out of the soba, quickly blew it off and said with his regular apathetic voice "five second rule," then proceeded to eat it. Naruto held down some barf, knowing full well he'd have probably done the same with his ramen.

"Adolescent deformed samurai skunkies," Naruto sang the theme song to his favorite television show as he spun around on his chair. Occasionally, Kanda would hum along.

Not until about half and hour later did Naruto notice there had been a shinobi squirrel glaring at Kanda all that time. Naruto hesitated informing Kanda. Shinobi squirrels were the worst squirrels of all.

"Hey, hey, pony-tail person, there, you, hey, hey," Naruto said, trying to get Kanda's attention while simultaneously throwing soy sauce packages into his soba. As Kanda finished his soba he shoved his chopsticks up Naruto's nose. "What midget?" he asked irritably, but coolly. In a cool, Japanese kind of way.

Naruto had been caught by surprise, so as Naruto struggled on the ground looking a lot like a retarded kid drowning while trying to do the chicken dance, Kanda had noticed the shinobi squirrel glaring at him. This shinobi squirrel happened to have an eye patch.

Kanda lifted the shinobi squirrel in his hands and it reminded him of a certain someone who stole his one and only, super cute love. Japanese rage built in Kanda as the squirrel prepared to spit acid onto his lovely face. Easily, Kanda snapped its neck and threw it in the way of a passing by vehicle. Poor Mustang. Then he grabbed a bucket of boiling oil and spilled it on the retarded drowning kid. "Naruto, get up, I'm going to be angsty and I need someone to torture," Kanda said as he grabbed Naruto by his arm and lead him to the nearest theatre to see the latest twitard movie.

After watching 3 hours of greasy abs, angsty teens, angsty vampires, and useless bitching, Naruto was just about ready to claw out his other eye. Kanda, too, was on the brink of insanity. At that moment a fiery chariot of yaoi love crash landed in front them. Allen jumped off it and raced towards Kanda.

"Kanda!" Allen shouted passionately "I was wrong! You're the only one for me!"

"Allen!" Kanda shouted more passionately "You bitch, why'd it take you so long to realize?!"

They embraced and **insert yaoi here** which left Naruto in an awkward situation. He noticed Sakura, and before anything could be said he received a rude bitch slap to his massacred face. Kanda and Allen flew away in their chariot of happy, fluffy, BL. Naruto was touched, and as he began to wave his gnarled arm, a ninja tree ate him.

TO NOT BE CONTINUED!

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**Hi! This is my first fic ever, so it probably sucks a lot, I'm surprised you've even gotten this far! XD**

**Anyway,**

**PLEASE REVIEW!**

**I will really appreciate your opinion!**


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